A cold December...and January..and February...and.

That last post seems like forever ago. Distant yet still fresh.

We're coming up on the one year of losing my father. Things are better in some respect - things are the same in some respects. An still, things are worse in some respects.

I have gotten a little more comfortable in referring to him in the past tense - instead of "my father " it has become, "my father used to ". I still think about him every day, I'm sure I always will.

I still can't talk about him or what happened without getting upset though. It seems like no matter what the conversation, I always come back to the loss. I don't mean the loss of him necessarily, it's the loss of what could have been. It's knowing all the things he will not be a part of with us. I dunno, I suppose that is normal.

To make 2009 even worse than it could be for me - the day after Christmas, I had to put my buddy to sleep. My dog, whom I've had since he was six weeks old, who has been with me through great times and the absolute worse times - seen me through loss of friends, my fathers illnes, the loss of a job, the loss of my father - 13 1/2 years of companionship. He had cancer - yeah, 2009 - the year of cancer for me. It was gutwrenching. Heartbreaking and at this point I don't know that I will ever be the same - but I had to let him go. For any pet owners out there, believe that you will know when it's time. You just will. I spent till the wee hours of the morning on the 26th, helping him in and out of bed because he could not get comfortable. I just knew - it wasn't for him anymore, it was for me. I had to let him go because I loved him too much to see him hurting. I miss him everyday - three months later and I can still see his face in the blinds when I get home .... even though I know he's not there.

So after everything that has happened in the last 12 months - I'm considering some therapy. I cry every day. Every day. I am unhappy in a way I never knew I could be...going through the motions because I have to. I don't want it to get to the point where I can't even do that...so, I'm considering some counseling. We'll see...that's a big step.

Ok, enough for now. Maybe it won't be nearly a year next time.

Later.